Sunday, October 5, 2014

ARE WE COMING TO THE END?

I wrote this in August - just now posting it.


I can't stand it. Is this the end? Things are more or less the same; when he is sitting in his chair and I am in the room with him, he is okay. I twitch my shoulder, start to get up. “Where are you going? What are you going to do? Can I help you?”

I am the one who has changed. I want to sit in the yard and drink coffee without any explanation. I want to get in the car and go somewhere without making telephone calls and arrangements for someone to come be here. People invite me to go somewhere and I decide if it is worth the 10.00 an hour and can I find the right person to stay with him. They go places without kme and I am jealous even though I have no reason to be. I can't expect the rest of the world to change just because mine has.

I have fantasies. If only he would black my eye, make me bleed, break a bone – I would have a reason to put him in a home. If he were on drugs rather than dementia, I could have him put in jail and I would be on my own. Just the thought of it makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

His needs are so small – to sit in his chair in his living room and have me with him – how could I deprive him of that?

Also, what about the money? Have no idea what other expenses will come up. How long will me money hold out?






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