PLAQUES AND TANGLES

3 AM Can't go back to sleep. He got up in middle of night again – getting dressed. Said he was going to load some stuff into the truck. so we would be able to get an early start. We no longer have a truck. Where were we going? Finally got him to say what he was going to do. “going to check on the tanks to be sure they have enough fluid in them”.

Plaques and Tangles – will probably paint another abstract telling about Alzheimer's.

I'm having surgery on this lump on my jaw on the 30^th.

CHANGES 11/7/14

  

Some changes this past week. Rather than sleeping most of the day, he has been awake and paced the floor. Don't know if this will continue or not.

One night this week he insisted on talking to his mother on the phone. Finally settled on talking to Drew. By the time he got on the phone he could not form sentences. Talked and talked without making any sense. Drew called me right back and asked if I wanted him to come down here. I declined; after all I don't know what he could have done. I'll save him for something worse.

The next day he explained to me exactly how a grandfather clock works. How is that possible?

THINGS GETTING BETTER

Very soon after the last writing, the children took me to lunch to discuss our Darling. I told them I still could not bring myself to put him in a nursing home. (I think they already knew this and were secretly glad their father did not have to leave home.) They suggested I get someone to stay a couple more days a week. I did and it worked wonders. I am spending more money – not just for the sitting but I have bought some new clothes. Heaven knows I need them. Haven't bought much lately, haven't been going out much so did not need clothes.

Glory Hallelujah.

ARE WE COMING TO THE END?

I wrote this in August - just now posting it.

I can't stand it. Is this the end? Things are more or less the same; when he is sitting in his chair and I am in the room with him, he is okay. I twitch my shoulder, start to get up. “Where are you going? What are you going to do? Can I help you?”

I am the one who has changed. I want to sit in the yard and drink coffee without any explanation. I want to get in the car and go somewhere without making telephone calls and arrangements for someone to come be here. People invite me to go somewhere and I decide if it is worth the 10.00 an hour and can I find the right person to stay with him. They go places without kme and I am jealous even though I have no reason to be. I can't expect the rest of the world to change just because mine has.

I have fantasies. If only he would black my eye, make me bleed, break a bone – I would have a reason to put him in a home. If he were on drugs rather than dementia, I could have him put in jail and I would be on my own. Just the thought of it makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

His needs are so small – to sit in his chair in his living room and have me with him – how could I deprive him of that?

Also, what about the money? Have no idea what other expenses will come up. How long will me money hold out?

CAREGIVER'S RASH

Well it finally happened. There has been so much stress that I came down with a rash. Did not know what it was from. The little dots were in various clusters in various places over my body and ITCHED AND ITCHED AND ITCHED. I put 2 or 3 kinds of over the counter non-itch stuff on it. Not much help.

AIR CONDITIONER PROBLEMS: in 2 weeks time we were in a motel for 6 days. When I finally decided to leave home, it was 95 degrees in the house and 101 degrees outside, our hottest day so far at that time. Good judgment is not one of my long suits. James was completely discombobulated in the motel. What is this place? Why are we here? What town are we in? I want to go home. I am going home; do you want to go with me? Over and over and over.

My rash got worse and worst and the itching got itchier and itchier. We finally got home – still with rash and still with itch.

AMAZING WHAT YOU WILL DO FOR GRANDCHILDREN: I sometimes get to see Megan on Tuesdays and I had missed two Tuesdays. I had to see her but refused to give her this rash. So on Saturday I went to emergency room. (A long story as to why I am between doctors.) The rash was almost gone but the itching still in full force. Saw one of the doctors and I think he thought I was crazy. A nurse came in and started asking me questions and typing on a computer. I finally told her that I thought it was a caregiver's rash. She stopped typing and looked straight ahead. Are you a caregiver? Yes. Who do you give care to? This handsome man tn the chair. He has subcortial dementia. Had it very long? For years. She left the computer and came over and took both my hands. You are under way too much stress. You have to do something. Just give it to God. I did not answer because all the things I could think of to say sounded flippant. I feel like I do give it to God and I am sure he is with us emotionally; that is why we have been able to do this so long, but I don't see God helping me get him into the shower, shaving him, being sure his bottom is clean.

She left the room. She came back in with a bald headed man I knew. ROBERT, and I threw my arms around him. I knew him because he had helped me get home health care for James. He said I'm your nurse. I was so glad. He knew all about James. He knew I was not crazy – not very crazy at least. The both left and strayed a long time.

I know they decided I had Caregiver's Rash. They came back in and she started typing again and Robert told me this was not contagious. They were going to give me a pill and a shot while I was there and send me home with three prescriptions. Thank God for sending Robert who knew all about James and his situation.

God is still looking after us.

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

Last night Darling kept asking and asking me questions about family and family relations. One of the questions was did I live in the house with him and his wife? I just told him yes, I did. Well, that is true.

Today we were in the car and a truck passed me. I mentioned how fast he was going. James said he also had duel pipes. He said “Did you hear that sweet sound”?

So should I be upset that he remembered duel pipes and did not remember me? No. I should not. After all, duel pipes were his first true love; they came along before I did.

GOING DOWN HILL

Jas. Asleep on sofa; he awoke and said for me to answer the phone. I told him he had been asleep and must have dreamed it because the phone had not rung. He very quickly took off his watch and handed it to me and said for me to answer it. I took the watch and looked at it and wondered what to do. I finally put it to my ear and he said “That's not the phone.” He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

So strange.