Sunday, October 5, 2014

THINGS GETTING BETTER

Very soon after the last writing, the children took me to lunch to discuss our Darling. I told them I still could not bring myself to put him in a nursing home. (I think they already knew this and were secretly glad their father did not have to leave home.) They suggested I get someone to stay a couple more days a week. I did and it worked wonders. I am spending more money – not just for the sitting but I have bought some new clothes. Heaven knows I need them. Haven't bought much lately, haven't been going out much so did not need clothes.

Glory Hallelujah.

ARE WE COMING TO THE END?

I wrote this in August - just now posting it.


I can't stand it. Is this the end? Things are more or less the same; when he is sitting in his chair and I am in the room with him, he is okay. I twitch my shoulder, start to get up. “Where are you going? What are you going to do? Can I help you?”

I am the one who has changed. I want to sit in the yard and drink coffee without any explanation. I want to get in the car and go somewhere without making telephone calls and arrangements for someone to come be here. People invite me to go somewhere and I decide if it is worth the 10.00 an hour and can I find the right person to stay with him. They go places without kme and I am jealous even though I have no reason to be. I can't expect the rest of the world to change just because mine has.

I have fantasies. If only he would black my eye, make me bleed, break a bone – I would have a reason to put him in a home. If he were on drugs rather than dementia, I could have him put in jail and I would be on my own. Just the thought of it makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

His needs are so small – to sit in his chair in his living room and have me with him – how could I deprive him of that?

Also, what about the money? Have no idea what other expenses will come up. How long will me money hold out?