I wrote this in August - just now posting it.
I
can't stand it. Is this the end? Things are more or less the same;
when he is sitting in his chair and I am in the room with him, he is
okay. I twitch my shoulder, start to get up. “Where are you
going? What are you going to do? Can I help you?”
I
am the one who has changed. I want to sit in the yard and drink
coffee without any explanation. I want to get in the car and go
somewhere without making telephone calls and arrangements for someone
to come be here. People invite me to go somewhere and I decide if
it is worth the 10.00 an hour and can I find the right person to stay
with him. They go places without kme and I am jealous even though I
have no reason to be. I can't expect the rest of the world to change
just because mine has.
I
have fantasies. If only he would black my eye, make me bleed, break
a bone – I would have a reason to put him in a home. If he were
on drugs rather than dementia, I could have him put in jail and I
would be on my own. Just the thought of it makes me breathe a sigh
of relief.
His
needs are so small – to sit in his chair in his living room and
have me with him – how could I deprive him of that?
Also,
what about the money? Have no idea what other expenses will come up.
How long will me money hold out?
