MARKING TIME

This is about me. Selfish? Maybe, I don’t know.

People are always asking me how I am doing and I usually feel I am doing really well – considering. James is still able to be with people, go out to eat, feed himself, even sometimes contribute to the conversation. He dresses himself, takes a shower alone (when I can get him to). He is easy to be with. These are the “good times” alzheimerswise. So why wouldn’t I be doing well?

But I sometimes I feel like I am marking time.

Marking time until what? Waiting for his death? I don’t want him to die. Waiting for all the bad times? For times when he reaches the bad stages I can’t cope with? I don’t know.

I have started trying to paint again. I moved all my painting stuff to a corner of the living room. It is a big mess and looks awful but this is the way I work best – with everything at hand. So what difference does it make? I have painted the most awful pictures I’ve ever seen. Where are all those pictures I used to paint that I was pleased with? I am trying to do portraits. Why? I don’t know. I am completely unable to get a likeness. I bought a mirror so I could do self portraits. At least I am patient with myself and not critical if I put in all the wrinkles. My first self portrait is a picture of an old woman with big eyes – much bigger than mine. I have cut them down once. The turkey gobbler flap under the chin doesn’t look right. It is just a big flesh colored glob. The forehead is too big; I need to bring more hair down to cover up some of it. When I finish it I will let it sit around for a while and then paint something else on top of it.

And yet I have wonderful, wonderful times. I don’t know what I would do without my children and grandchildren. My cousins make a great social life for James and me. The Methodist Men take James places which he still loves to go.

And I still have my garden – a blessing or a curse? I think I will go out and plant more purple hull peas – this is the right phase of the moon.

Maybe next time I will be in a better mood. Thank you for putting up with me.