CHRISTMAS

James and Missy and I went to North Park to do our Christmas shopping last week. Christmas shopping with James does not have anything to do with buying gifts. So what does it consist of you ask? It consists of going some place for a nice lunch and then walking around the mall and listening to the Christmas music. And no, that is not just since Alzheimert’s; that has always been James’ idea of helping me with the Christmas shopping.

Parking was awful – naturally. Missy let us out and then did valet parking. I always thought valet parking was for lazy people but believe me it is for Alzheimer’s people too. We had lunch at Maggiano’s. Have you been there? It is wonderful! There is a whole list of classic pastas and when you order one, you get another one free to take home, which makes a 12.00 – 15.00 pasta dish pretty reasonable. We spent about two hours eating and it was great!

James wanted to go to the restroom before we left. The restroom is upstairs. Miss and James started toward the lobby while I finished dealing with the tip and check – tips and checks have become an issue with the advent of Alzheimer’s. We continue to let James pay because he always has but we have to check to make sure he actually leaves a tip. I got to the lobby and there was Missy; she said James had gone down a hall to another restroom on the main floor. We went over to the hostess’ desk and Missy asked if there were some people down that hall that could tell James to come back here in case he got confused. She said there were all kinds of people down there because that hall goes to the mall. I heard Missy say “Oh, hell!” and she took off running. The last time I saw her run that fast she was 10 years old. We got to the men’s restroom just as a man was coming out and Missy grabbed him asked him to go back in and look for James, which he was glad to do but James was coming out about then. (When we got back to Missy’s she was telling Mike about this and when she got to the part about the hall leading to the North Park mall, Mike said “Oh, hell!” Miss said “That’s just what I said”!)

When we left Maggiano’s she and I looked at each other decided to skip the part about walking around the mall and listening to Christmas music. Like she said “He won’t remember it anyway”

A TRIP TO JEFFERSON - continued

We went on down to the casino, got our cards and got started on the FUN. I played the slots because that is the only thing I know how to play. I was mainly sitting there wondering what James and I were going to do about this situation. A waitress came by and asked if I would like a drink? A DRINK? A DRINK? A DRINK? YES, YES, YES. I WANT A DRINK! Just what I need to do is pour alcohol in on top of this – right? She brought me a drink and I tipped her two dollars. More coins in slots, more indecision, more drinks. I got up to go find some quiet place so I could call James on the cell phone. My knees were like water. Good Grief. I grabbed hold of the stool I had been sitting on. The waitress showed up again and asked if I were okay and did I want another drink. I told her I did not want another drink and that those drinks were really strong. She said “Well yes, when you tip me two dollars rather than one dollar, I make them doubles; that is what I always do”. DOUBLES!!! GOOD GRIEF!!! What is the word you use when a person is simply lacking is worldly experience? Such as casinos? Gambling? Getting out in the world? Naive? Innocent? Stupid? Dumb?

I worked my way out to the lobby by hanging on to each of the stools I came to. I brushed against one old man and he leered up at me; I guess if a man is 90 years old, a 70 year old woman looks young.

I found a relatively quiet place and called James and left a message to call me. Next time they stopped he called me. I asked where they were. He said “We are almost to Jefferson; I’ll be seeing you in a few minutes.” “You may be almost to Jefferson but you won’t be seeing me in a few minutes.” “What are you talking about?” I gave it all to him at once – “This trip is not to Jefferson; it is to Shreveport to play in the casino and we are not going home tomorrow; we are going home Monday.” Silence------------. I could tell his mouth was gaped open too. More silence------- and then we both laughed.

I sat down in the lobby to think some more. Okay, decisions. James and I can’t stay up all night so we have to have a room. It is logical that we go home tomorrow since this is an activity that we don’t enjoy.

I go back into the casino to find Cathy and tell her this. She says there is some kind of convention in town and they may not have another room. Okay, more thinking. I think this is the kind of place where if you want any kind of help, there needs to be a tip involved. Remember the drinks. I have a billfold full of twenties; after all I was prepared to buy a few small antiques in Jefferson.

I go to the lady standing guard at the entrance to the casino and tell her my problem. She is not interested – just says there is a cattle show in town and there may not be any rooms. Then she looked down and saw I was handing her a twenty dollar bill and she did exactly the thing each person after her did. “Oh, you don’t have to do that” and swoosh the twenty goes into the pocket. “But let me get Edna, she can help you.” She gets on her cell phone and Edna appears. She explains my problem to Edna as I hold out the twenty – “Oh, you don’t have to do that” and swoosh the twenty goes into the pocket. Edna takes me down to the desk and asks for Juanita. Edna explains to Juanita while I slide a twenty across the counter – “Oh you don’t have to do that” and swoosh into the pocket. Juanita explains there is a cattle show in town and they don’t have any rooms here but she will call her friend at the Holiday Inn on the river. She gets off the phone and says we have a room and here is the confirmation number. In fact it is their penthouse rooms for the same price as a double to apologize for us having so much trouble in their town. When we get ready to leave, ask the lady at the door to call a Holiday Inn courtesy car to take us to the other hotel.
Gee, maybe it was worth the twenties.

When the men on bikes arrive James and I look at each other and laugh. Some people can have adventures without even trying. Jack hugs me and apologizes. It is not his fault that I did not check on the details of this trip. I explain to them what I have planned for us. One of the other men says he has his wife’s helmet in his bike and we can borrow it. I am so relieved; I think it is stupid to ride without a helmet but I was ready to do it. We hang around with the rest of the group for a while and then tell them bye and ask for a courtesy car.

We get in the courtesy car and take off. We are going east. I am familiar with taxies going the long way around to run up the tab; but he is just working for tips; so I mention that I thought we were going to the Holiday Inn on the river. “Oh really? They called me over at Bossier. I thought you were going back there”. Big U-turn in the middle of the street. When we get to the hotel – a little old looking, the driver puts our two pitifully small over night cases on the luggage hauler and I hand him a twenty “Oh you don’t have to-------------“ James mentions that was a pretty big tip and I agree that it was.

We check in and go up to the penthouse. It is really big and was probably really pretty - about twenty years ago. No wonder we can have the penthouse, certainly no one else will want it.

We go to the bar and James has a few drinks. I have a few Coca Colas; I am not interested in having liquid knees again this soon.

The next morning we go back to the other Holiday Inn to have breakfast and get James’ bike.

I see the restaurant has eggs Benedict which I love because I adore hollandaise sauce. It arrives and the hollandaise sauce is not a really good hollandaise but I eat it. The manager comes around and asks if I liked the eggs Benedict? No, not really – the hollandaise was not real hollandaise. “Well since we are in Cajun country we think it should have a Cajun flavor.” “Oh.” I don’t ask for a refund since I have eaten it and he does not offer a refund – maybe I should have pulled out another twenty.

The trip home was WONDERFULLY UNEVENTFUL.

I hope you enjoyed the tale. I realize it is long but believe me every single bit of it is TRUE.

A TRIP TO JEFFERSON

Living with an Alzheimer’s person is a continual learning process.

Two or three years ago James came in and told me Jack had asked us to go on a short trip to Jefferson with them and some other people. The men would ride their motorcycles and the women were going in their Suburban. Great!!! Jefferson is a small East Texas town with lots of antique shops and an old historical hotel – just “darling quaintness”. I had sense enough to call Jack to confirm that it was happening. Yes! The men could not leave until afternoon because one of them had to work but the women would leave early. Jack would take care of hotels etc.

I packed an overnight case and met the ladies and we took off. Beautiful ride, beautiful East Texas trees and greenery. The signs said we were getting close to Jefferson and I ask them if they came to Jefferson often. They said they had never been there. We passed a couple of exit signs to Jefferson. I told Cathy I thought she had passed all the exits to Jefferson. She looked at me in the rear view mirror; “Did you want to go to Jefferson?” “Uuuuuuhhhhhh, I thought that is where we were going.” “No, we are going to Shreveport to the casino.” I sat there with my mouth open “Duh”. “Did you think we were going to Jefferson?” “Uuuuhhh yes, but that’s okay.” Shreveport is another hour or two down the road.

So I sat there and contemplated that. Casinos. James and I are neither one very fascinated by gambling. How many hours can we tolerate gambling just to be friendly and cooperative? What else can we do? How long before we can quit gambling and go do something else?

We arrive, check in; the room is beautiful, big, 2 beds, 2 sofas but they only reserved one room. They say nobody ever sleeps much; they are up all night in the casino.
I say something about leaving tomorrow, Sunday. “Oh no. We are not leaving til Monday.” “Uuuuuuhhhhh”. I notice my mouth is gaped open again.

Continued.

JUDGE JUDY - A SYMBOL

JUDGE JUDY – A SYMBOL

I think this is the first time I have lost my patience with James and I am sorry for it because it is not his fault. But…………

Yesterday I gritted my teeth, dug in my heels and refused to give up watching Judge Judy. Why am I so adamant that I am going to watch some stupid TV program about people who are so childish that they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions? Is it because James does not like to watch the show? I hope I am not that mean spirited. I prefer to think it is because I have given up almost all my previous pleasures:

• Mentoring at the elementary school (I loved doing that!)
• Literary club – that is where most of my friends are.
• Being active in bazaar
• Methodist Women – I had barely gotten started with that
• Square dancing and Round dancing
• Playing mahjong
• Meetings of the Alzheimer’s care givers; I’ve only been to two of those meetings

So yesterday I announced I would be watching Judge Judy in the bedroom from now on. And I WILL BE WATCHING JUDGE JUDY IF IT HAIRLIPS THE POPE!!!! Isn’t that what we used to say?

I hope I have gotten this off my chest and that God will send my patience back to me.

MORE GARDENING

He has noticed there is nothing but weeds in the bed behind the shop. Lets till it up -No no no, there is asparagus under there. Later: There is nothing there; what can we plant there? Later: Did you know that bed behind the shop is empty? We need to plant something there.


TOMATOES

So he planted 3 tomato plants on top of the asparagus behind the shop. He said we needed something growing there and you can never have enough tomatoes. But he is not as agile as he used to be and broke off two of them. That is okay. They are coming out again.

Five years ago I would have keeled over dead if all this had happened to my wonderful vegetables. Things change don’t they?

THE ALZHEIMER'S GARDEN

Found this in my journal written a couple of years ago.  Thought I would share it:

I hope this will not be insensitive or disrespectful.  It is simply one of my ways of looking at and dealing with my darling who is no longer the darling I used to know.  You have heard the expression laugh to keep from crying.

He didn’t really know anything about gardening before his little brain cells started to get scrambled.

Now all he can think about doing is pruning back the plants or moving them.  He also loves tilling up stuff - a man and his machinery!  Well, what difference does it make?  For 50 years we did not even try to grow vegetables; so what difference does it make now if we work in the garden and still don’t grow vegetables?  He used to risk his life racing motorcycles; this will only risk the life of the plants. 

Our garden looks really nice and tidy right now but not as productive as it should be.  We work in it a lot but we have had a lot of setbacks. 

AN ADVENTURE IN ASPARAGUS

We had 4 stands of asparagus – easy to grow but it takes a long time.  Ours was about 5 years old and doing really good.  We ate a lot of fresh asparagus and even had enough to give some away to friends.  So one day he decides he would like to move it to another spot.  I think well, why not.  It will give him something to do. 

But first we have to move something so we have a spot to move it to.  A lot of work and a set back to the raspberries. We dig up the raspberries from the bed behind the shop and move them to the regular garden – a plant that also takes TIME.  Then we move the lovely section of garden fence – black metal and good looking.  A lot of work and a set back to my false dragon head where the fence went in.   Then we dig up one stand of the asparagus and move it to the bed where the raspberries used to be.  A lot of work and a setback to the asparagus.

Then this Spring he accidently tilled up another stand of asparagus and half of the chives before I saw him and ran out waving my arms to save the asparagus and chives - but too late.  Not much work but a setback to another stand of asparagus and a few chives.

 A few weeks later he had the weed eater edging around the garden and decided to weed eat the raspberries.  He got half way down the row before I noticed.  Once again I go racing out of the house arms waving.  He had only chopped down half the row.  Said it looked like weeds to him.  Not much work and maybe only a small set back to the raspberries.  The ones that were cut down are really putting out (he thinks that is a strange expression) and looking full.

He has complained a lot this spring that we don’t have much asparagus. Well, he is sure right about that.  He thinks bugs have gotten into it and ruined it – Only one bug but it was a BIG ONE  Has something happened to it?  Do we just need to dig it up and forget it?  My answer is No no no – lets leave it be for a little while.

DOING GREAT

He is doing great!  The doctor took him off one of his blood pressure medicines and he stopped being light headed and dizzy; so he can now walk without falling – wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.  It happened a few days ago but I could not blog it because my laptop is having a nervous breakdown (along with me).

Will do some stories in the next few days.  Feel so much better since he is doing better.

I really appreciate all you people who are following my blog.  Thanks.

ALWAYS A GENTLEMAN

My darling is always such a gentleman;  I guess some things don’t change. 

When I was bringing him home from the hospital last week I pulled into a service station for gas.  He started getting out of the passenger’s seat.  I asked where he was going and he said to pump the gas.  The sweet man could hardly walk but he remembered his old fashion manners. 

The other day I was walking behind him holding on to his gait belt so he would not fall.  We came to a door and he stopped dead still and I crashed into him.  I asked  him what was the matter and he said for me to get in front of him so he could hold the door for me.

DOWN HILL

Darling is too dizzy headed to do much walking now.  This morning we went about 20 feet and he leaned against me and the wall and just crumpled down to the floor.  Believe it or not it was not hard to get him up and back to the chair with the gait belt.  God bless gait belts.

THANKSGIVING

We have the holiday figured out.  Our family will celebrate on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  We did this last year and it worked out great.  James and I stayed at home on Thanksgiving day but we never turned on the TV so he never knew it was Thanksgiving.  Then on Saturday all the kids and grandkids came with turkey and the trimmings and as far as he was concerned it was Thanksgiving day.  As I have mentioned before, count your blessings no matter where they come from.

HOME AT LAST

James home from the hospital.  Don’t think he will ever get strong and good at walking again.  It is like pulling teeth to get him to get up from sofa and refill his own coffee cup.   He will have home health care and physical therapy.  To be eligible  for this he has to be homebound.  They only permit leaving for three things 1) doctor appointments  2) church and you won’t believe 3) for hair appointments!  They put that in there for people like my mother.  And yes, she was a beautiful lady.

I woke up sad this morning.  Guess that could be expected on occasion. 

IS THIS THE NEXT STEP?

This morning he feels tired.  The nurse stood him in the bathroom to take  a shower.  He has not taken  a shower alone yet.  I kept listening and no water was running.  I went in and asked if he needed some help.  He said he guessed he did; he did not know what to do.  Heart breaking.  I bathed him and got him back in bed.  I hope when he gets back home he will remember how to take a shower etc.

WONDERS NEVER CEASE

Darling will be in the hospital another week.  His pneumonia is not gone and they are giving him more drip antibiotics.  Believe me this is good news.   They were telling us he would leave soon and they recommended going to an interim facility for physical therapy before going home.  I kept trying to tell them he gets sundowners and does not do well when I am not around.  They kept just not taking it in and telling me how great the care was.  They would look at this sweet, gentle man  sitting up in bed drinking coffee and know I was exaggerating.  When Missy, our daughter came in and   they told her about the suggestion, she told them she saw it as being a full blown disaster.  Drew, our son thought the disaster would be if we took him straight home before his walking was good, he would fall, take me down with him and break bones in both of us.  We were in a real quandary.  So it is great news to all of us that he will be here another week to practice walking and balance.  Also, of course, for the antibiotics.

 

I have tried not to let the alcohol affect our social life.  When we go out in the evening, I drive and I used to hold his hand getting into our destination.  Since we fell going into Vetoni’s restaurant I don’t always hold his hand.  Coming across the parking lot it was one of those 10 or 12 step falls,  more and more out of control – going down – going down – going down – splat.  He was holding my hand so hard, I could not get away.  Oh yes, I’m that kind of gal; I would have let him go down by himself if I could have gotten away.  After all, someone has to stay healthy to take care of him. A young family was coming in at the same time.  The father, a mountain of a man wearing starched, creased jeans, cowboy boots and a shirt with the name of one of the local ranches embroidered on the pocket .  He picked us up, me first, naturally, after all we are still in Texas.  He helped dust us off and put us at ease with a fall story of his own in the pasture and how he looked around to see if anyone saw him, even though he knew no one was around.  I told him that at our age we were more thankful for help than embarrassed.  Oh yes, I do love East Texas. 

A YUCKY VACATION

A step forward.  Darling has moved into a private room.  He slept through the night, no waking up to strange happenings.  No tearing the tubes out.  All was peaceful.  Hopefully, he is getting a back to “normal” a little bit.  The other night in ICU he woke up in the middle of the night grouchy and complaining and aggravated and they came to the waiting room to get me to calm him down.  He told me it would be a cold day when he came on this vacation again!  I told him I sure hopped so.

I haven’t talked about his alcohol yet.  I wrote this before he developed diabetes.  Of course he is not having beer in the hospital; I am not sure what will happen when we get home.  I’m a little worried.

Alcohol -  Beer, he drinks lots of beer.  Probably a 6 pack to a 12 pack a day.  I don’t usually count because I don’t want to know.  I did count 8 empty beer cans on the kitchen cabinet one night and that was after we had been gone most of the day.  I haven’t been arguing with him about it; after all, like I told his brother, he has a much bigger problem than alcohol.  Maybe I am just saving myself.  It would be a 24/7 job for me to slow down his drinking,  plus unending arguments at home, I don’t think I am ready for that.  So if you have been considering buying stock in a beer company, buy Budweiser; your investment should be safe. 

DOES ANYTHING CHANGE?

He has been up twice today sitting in a chair.  His nurse, Esmarilda, went into great detail telling him (and me) why he is not to have unlimited fluids and some things he could do instead.  She finished and he said “May I have a cup of water?”

Sex – the last thing to go, at least thinking about it is the last thing to go.  He can’t remember twit but several times a day he brings up the subject.  Nothing raunchy; he is still a gentleman.  Mainly, things like he invites me to the bedroom.  I decline and we both wipe imaginary sweat off our foreheads and are relieved.  As I have said before men’s brains are in their crotch.  My cousin calls this oral sex – when all you do is talk about it.

STATUS

Doing good this morning.  They are weaning him off ventilator.  He is sedated but if you talk to him he will barely raise his eyebrows.  Fingers crossed

On Sunday Darling’s mind was everywhere except in the hospital.  Shannon was sitting with him.

  He thought he was in the doctor’s office and wanted to know what time his appointment was; he was tired of waiting.

Then he thought he was at McClain’s for lunch and wanted to know if we had ordered yet?

Then he thought he was in the dentist’s office.  He was tired of waiting there too.  The nurse started bringing in the pan and all the things to give him a bath.  Shannon was sure we were going to have trouble; she was sure he would not let them give him a bath; you don’t get baths at the dentist office.

WHAT A DAY

The surgery is over.  Dr. Magee said they removed fluid and gelatos stuff which gave his lung a lot more space to expand into. Said there had been inflammation there which had caused it.  He left two tubes in which would stay another two or three days.  I hope I have all this right.  I see a prolonged recovery period and am fearful that it may not be a “full recovery” to where he was before.

Did not vote today.  We’ve been here in hospital with James since Friday.  Of all the elections to miss!!!

Our life has been pretty easy up to now, I don’t know what it will be after this illness.  I think I know why our life has been better than expected.  There are a lot of people praying for us.  It would have to be something that powerful.  Prayer is so amazing – such a mystery.  It is even more of a mystery than the fact that food comes out of dirt.  I have always thought the fact that food comes out of dirt is the most amazing mystery.  I told that to someone and she did not seem to think the food part was a mystery.  If she does not think food coming out of dirt is a mystery, I wonder what she feels about the much bigger mystery of prayer.

I am sure I will continue to post the the blogs I had already written about living with alzheimers.

A SICK FELLOW

 Darling is a sick man.  In ICU at Medical City. Pneumonia.  They drained his lung once with a needle and the fluid came back in 24 hours.  They put a tube in his lung but nothing drained out.  Too much scar tissue.  They will do surgery to drain fluid.  He is on a ventilator and sedated.  Trying to schedule between surgeon and operating room.  It is my understanding that the longer it takes before he starts getting better, the longer it will take to get better.  Does that make sense? 

Written earlier for the blog:

Hypotenuse - We were talking about going to Stevenville and what towns were near-by and he thought that was the long way around.  I replied, Oh no, we went across on the hypotenuse.  (An old family joke.)  He said "Mmmmmmm,  hypotenuse - the sum of the square root of the other two sides."  Whaaaat?  Even if it is true, how on earth did he remember it?  Also, how could he remember where these towns were and that it was the long way around?  He can't even remember if he ate breakfast or not. 

DON'T STIFF THE WAITRESSES

 Darling is in the hospital.  ICU.  Pneumonia. He has been a sick man - a little better today.

 In Dallas the other day, lunch with Missy and shopping for fabric.  Pizza at a wonderful, small, homey Italian place, Eddie’s Napoli in Garland.  Paid our bill and got change.  We put together five one-dollar bills for a tip and left them on the table.  As we are leaving we look back and James is following us out and fanning out some ones.  Missy says “Is that the tip?Did Dad pick up the tip?”  Sure enough he did.  She and James took the ones back and left them on the table.  I just leaned against the door facing.  Have we done that before?  Have we been stiffing waitresses all over town?  Who knows? 

MY PLANS DON'T ALWAYS WORK

Well my darling is sick.  Fever.  Chest hurts.  Feels awful, well naturally he feels awful with fever.  Saw doctor yesterday.  We call doctor this morning for tests report. 

 Will go ahead and post what I had ready.

I looked things up on the internet and read books – mainly The Thirty-six Hour Day.  Stephen King could not write a book as terrifying as this.  So I consoled myself.  If he is going to turn into someone I don’t know, someone I didn’t marry then that is good – that way I won’t love him and when he dies, it won’t hurt so bad.  But of course, the way things turn out, I seem to be loving him more each day.  So I am going to miss him even more – right?  Also, though he can’t remember twit, he seems to realize what good care I am taking of him and he appreciates it.  Very odd.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS; THEY MAY BE HARD TO COME BY.

Some of us were talking about cooking for husbands.  James used to be hard to cook for.  “I think I’d like porkchops tonight, maybe with blackeye peas and a green salad with some of that homemade  blue cheese dressing.”  He thought he could order like from restaurant; it took me forever to make him understand we would have dinner from what was in the kitchen.  He  NEVER wanted leftovers.  Well he eats leftovers all the time now; he doesn’t know he just ate them yesterday.  Count your blessings – wherever they come from.

In the beginning God created a mess in me.

Sometimes I’m very sad.  Most times okay.  Sometimes fearful for what is to come.

When we first found out James has dementia, I was a wreck.  I had to stop playing mahjong because I was staying in the rest room all the time crying.  I would go in one of the stalls and wrap my arms around myself, lean my head against the wall and sob – The strange thing is that never a tear came out.  My face was dry.  And yet I was crying.  I know I was.