ARE WE COMING TO THE END?

I wrote this in August - just now posting it.

I can't stand it. Is this the end? Things are more or less the same; when he is sitting in his chair and I am in the room with him, he is okay. I twitch my shoulder, start to get up. “Where are you going? What are you going to do? Can I help you?”

I am the one who has changed. I want to sit in the yard and drink coffee without any explanation. I want to get in the car and go somewhere without making telephone calls and arrangements for someone to come be here. People invite me to go somewhere and I decide if it is worth the 10.00 an hour and can I find the right person to stay with him. They go places without kme and I am jealous even though I have no reason to be. I can't expect the rest of the world to change just because mine has.

I have fantasies. If only he would black my eye, make me bleed, break a bone – I would have a reason to put him in a home. If he were on drugs rather than dementia, I could have him put in jail and I would be on my own. Just the thought of it makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

His needs are so small – to sit in his chair in his living room and have me with him – how could I deprive him of that?

Also, what about the money? Have no idea what other expenses will come up. How long will me money hold out?

CAREGIVER'S RASH

Well it finally happened. There has been so much stress that I came down with a rash. Did not know what it was from. The little dots were in various clusters in various places over my body and ITCHED AND ITCHED AND ITCHED. I put 2 or 3 kinds of over the counter non-itch stuff on it. Not much help.

AIR CONDITIONER PROBLEMS: in 2 weeks time we were in a motel for 6 days. When I finally decided to leave home, it was 95 degrees in the house and 101 degrees outside, our hottest day so far at that time. Good judgment is not one of my long suits. James was completely discombobulated in the motel. What is this place? Why are we here? What town are we in? I want to go home. I am going home; do you want to go with me? Over and over and over.

My rash got worse and worst and the itching got itchier and itchier. We finally got home – still with rash and still with itch.

AMAZING WHAT YOU WILL DO FOR GRANDCHILDREN: I sometimes get to see Megan on Tuesdays and I had missed two Tuesdays. I had to see her but refused to give her this rash. So on Saturday I went to emergency room. (A long story as to why I am between doctors.) The rash was almost gone but the itching still in full force. Saw one of the doctors and I think he thought I was crazy. A nurse came in and started asking me questions and typing on a computer. I finally told her that I thought it was a caregiver's rash. She stopped typing and looked straight ahead. Are you a caregiver? Yes. Who do you give care to? This handsome man tn the chair. He has subcortial dementia. Had it very long? For years. She left the computer and came over and took both my hands. You are under way too much stress. You have to do something. Just give it to God. I did not answer because all the things I could think of to say sounded flippant. I feel like I do give it to God and I am sure he is with us emotionally; that is why we have been able to do this so long, but I don't see God helping me get him into the shower, shaving him, being sure his bottom is clean.

She left the room. She came back in with a bald headed man I knew. ROBERT, and I threw my arms around him. I knew him because he had helped me get home health care for James. He said I'm your nurse. I was so glad. He knew all about James. He knew I was not crazy – not very crazy at least. The both left and strayed a long time.

I know they decided I had Caregiver's Rash. They came back in and she started typing again and Robert told me this was not contagious. They were going to give me a pill and a shot while I was there and send me home with three prescriptions. Thank God for sending Robert who knew all about James and his situation.

God is still looking after us.

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

Last night Darling kept asking and asking me questions about family and family relations. One of the questions was did I live in the house with him and his wife? I just told him yes, I did. Well, that is true.

Today we were in the car and a truck passed me. I mentioned how fast he was going. James said he also had duel pipes. He said “Did you hear that sweet sound”?

So should I be upset that he remembered duel pipes and did not remember me? No. I should not. After all, duel pipes were his first true love; they came along before I did.

GOING DOWN HILL

Jas. Asleep on sofa; he awoke and said for me to answer the phone. I told him he had been asleep and must have dreamed it because the phone had not rung. He very quickly took off his watch and handed it to me and said for me to answer it. I took the watch and looked at it and wondered what to do. I finally put it to my ear and he said “That's not the phone.” He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

So strange.

A DIFFERENT LIFE

My friend Judy;s husband died. So sad but also a blessing; he is no longer in pain – mentally and physically. Take care of yourself, Judy.

I cooked a brisket this week. Took half of it to our potluck at the painting society. Took the other half to the church for the youth group's meeting. I am trying so very, very hard to keep myself busy and and involved in some things just for me. It is amazing how hard it is to just make arrangements to have someone (someone I approve of) stay with James, get my stuff (art supplies, food, etc.) loaded in the car and back out of the driveway.

A few days ago I sat and listened to a lady complain about all the things in her life that she hates. That she hates getting up so early for church; she would love to sit and drink coffee on Sunday mornings. She hates daylight savings time; well don't we all hate it? Lots of other things of the same ilk. I just listened and thought to myself “Honey, you ain't seen nothing”.

Yesterday I planted 8 tomato plants, some sweet basil and some lettuce. The next few days are “barren days” according to Farmer's Almanac, don't plant anything. Thank goodness; that about “corked” me as my neighbor used to say.

Loving Hands built a ramp from front porch to ground so James can get down easier. It is really great; I love it. It is also another reminder of what my life has become.

Am reading South of Broad by Pat Conroy He such a great writer.

And now to James – he is slowly going down and down. But I don't seem to want to write about it.

DECEPTION

I've never lied so much in my life – lie, deceive, sneak around, hide things.

I just hung up shirts in the guest room closet and there were a box of cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats, and half a package of Oreo cookies.

I bought cookies the other day – biscotti. Eight to a box. I made us some coffee, brought us each a cup of coffee and a biscotti. The next time I looked, there were only two biscotti left; he had eaten the other four in a matter of 30 minutes. I snatched the last two up and hid them in the back of the cup towel drawer. When I told this to Missy, she laughed and said that the week she was with him, she found herself stashing food everywhere – thus, food in the guest room.

He has driven me crazy ever since we went back off daylight saving time. He can't figure out how to reset his digital watch. He has worn this same kind of watch for years and years but now he can't reset it. Several times a day he would tell me the other clocks in the house were an hour off. I would explain daylight savings time and that the clocks were right and his watch was wrong. A few minutes later, we would go through the whole loop again. We were doing this several times a day and I was going gaga. So naturally, I snitched his watch and put it under some stuff in the junk drawer, and said I did not know where it was.

Yesterday I gave Missy some money and asked her to get him a watch and say it came from her (thought he would accept it as a gift from her; if I gave it to him, he might think it was the wrong kind and give me grief about it). About six or 8 times last night, he would ask where the watch came from. Why did she buy it for him? We should reimburse her for the watch. I said I would. On and on. Whats is that quote about “when first we practice to deceive”.

I'm getting hungry now – better go to the guest room for some cereal.

IS THIS THE HARD PART?

My darling has been pretty easy - as compaired to some others.  I have been telling myself that one day God is going to say "Okay Maridelle, here comes the hard part".  Is this that time?

Things have gotten a little worse. He keeps asking me where Maridelle is, where his wife is? When is Mary is coming back. Is she coming back for good? What is in that poor man's brain. Where are the people are who are staying with us. He wants to know if Drew is coming home tonight. He is so good socially that people probably don't believe he really does the things he does.

It is very curious to me that I love this man. After all, this is not the man I married. Have I said this before?

The last two nights I have given him Seroquil to calm him down before bedtime. It really does the trick. I mentioned to doctor Tuesday that several of the things James takes are to make life easier for me. He agreed and said that was completely approved; I need to be able to get through this, as well as James. Thank heavens for that good doctor.

Talked to my friend Judy yesterday. Her husband is worse than mine. At least James is cooperative (usually).

Stop the rambling, Maridelle.